constant change…

I just can’t believe it. On Monday I felt so desperate – so lonely, helpless and hopeless. I wondered what the hell I’m doing with my life, what the hell I’m doing on this huge property, with so many responsibilities. I wondered how the hell I’d ever pull off “community” with the people I share my home with, how I’d ever get to live my dreams of a living-NVC-space…

Wow…

What a shitty morning conversation with a volunteer, what a shitty feeling afterwards, a good sharing with a friend over lunch, tears, authenticity, openness, questioning, surrendering… Felt relieved and more hopeful after that, but wow – the shitty heaviness just returned! My doggie walk was all blah-crap-in-my-head… Incredible… So aware of it, yet so IN it…

And then a shitty community meeting. Cried, shared my stuff, but no healing, no shift… Karthik received me with empathy – that was sweet! 🙂

Then… change… Incredible… Nothing is permanent…!

Had the sweetest conversation with Sarah last night, under the starlight and with the dogs’ close company. Lots of sharing, honesty, openness, trust… Then Karthik joined us, and lots more sharing – cultural stuff, comparisons, guest house questions… Wow… Felt incredible softness… Incredible joy and gratitude to be living community with these people. Could have stayed up all night… Wow!

If only I can remember that more often – constant change… That the crappy feeling never lasts, that it’s just a phase, just a stuck-ness in my head… Just a something wanting to be received, and nothing more… Wow…

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