opened mother’s agenda, somehow trusting that no matter which page i landed upon, it’d be the right one… after a few entries, i get to this:
November 12, 1957
The integral yoga is made up of an uninterrupted series of tests that you must pass through without any advance notice, thereby forcing you to be always vigilant and attentive.
Three groups of examiners conduct these tests. Apparently they have nothing in common and their methods are so different, at times even so seemingly contradictory, that they do not appear to work towards the same goal, and yet they complete one another, they work together for a common aim and each is indispensable for the integral result.
These three categories of tests are: those conducted by the forces of Nature, those conducted by the spiritual and divine forces, and those conducted by the hostile forces. This latter category is the most deceptive in its appearance, and a constant state of vigilance, sincerity and humility is required so as not to be caught by surprise or unprepared.
The most commonplace circumstances, people, the everyday events of life, the most seemingly insignificant things, all belong to one or another of these three categories of examiners. In this considerably complex organization of tests, those events generally considered the most important in life are really the easiest of all examinations to pass, for they find you prepared and on guard. One stumbles more easily over the little pebbles on the path, for they attract no attention.
The qualities more particularly required for the tests of physical Nature are endurance and plasticity, cheerfulness and fearlessness.
For the spiritual tests: aspiration, confidence, idealism, enthusiasm and generosity of self-giving.
For the tests stemming from the hostile forces: vigilance, sincerity and humility.
But do not imagine that those who are tested are on one side and those who test on the other; depending upon the times and circumstances, we are both examiners and examined, and it may even happen that simultaneously, at the very same moment, we are the examined and the examiner. And whatever benefits we derive depend, in both quality and quantity, upon the intensity of our aspiration and the alertness of our consciousness.
To conclude, a final recommendation: never pose as an examiner. For while it is good to remember constantly that perhaps one is passing a very important test, it is, on the other hand, extremely dangerous to imagine oneself entrusted with applying tests to others, for that is an open door to the most absurd and harmful vanities. It is not an ignorant human will that decides these things but the Supreme Wisdom.
Each time a progress is to be made, there is a test to pass.
phew… a mouth-(hand-)full to type!
but exactly… i know i’m being tested all the time, that i’m given loads of opportunities every day to put my practice to the test, to really live the complexities of my values, sometimes seemingly paradoxical…
this morning was no exception… at around 6am, as i was coming down to make some tea, i heard “chop chop” in the background. wondering what it was, and a weensy bit suspicious… found that old amma cutting down branches and leaves for her goats… i yelled out asking what she was doing and why she was back here, that i had already told her before not to come into a private property and take without permission. wow… i could see myself getting all worked up… i think i allowed her denial of her “wrongness” to really get me going and i got so righteous… as she started to pick up the branches off the ground and make a bundle to carry off, i told her to leave them there and leave. she said she was leaving, but refused to drop the branches. i eventually grabbed her kathi (on a long stick), threatening to not give it back until she left the branches… oh my gosh, embarrassing… and i was even embarrassed then, imagining that by this time we had surely woken up the 2 girls in “peace.” embarrassed that they might have judgements about my behaviour, that they might be nvc-judging me, that they might tell irma upon their return – blah blah blah… it was like i so wanted to win, but i just couldn’t. she grabbed hold of her stick, tried to tear my hand off (with not much strength at all), and was swearing up and down to never return, that her goats needed food, etc. i was pissed off, had no way of trusting that my message was getting across, that i could trust her word, that she understood some of my values, etc… but gosh, what a fool i made of myself…
i also wondered about what i was trying to prove… i walked away wondering at how easily i allowed myself to get caught up, to react, to enter straight into an ego-battle where no exit was possible…
and possessiveness, getting stuck in form – my trees, my property, you took without asking… phew…
i also noticed fear, and that was probably when i let go… i wondered about the possible repercussions of me being too strong with her – that the whole village could come “get me…” also, as we both held her kathi, i had an image of her pulling it backwards with a hard jolt and hurting my hand…
what a heavy start to the day… and beautiful test, i guess! 🙂