what hat am i wearing…?

hmmm…

if i walk around so much in my own world, with my own reality, my own concerns, my own inner state or self-connection as being the most “important” thing right now, then how can i be open to receiving another… and the life they may be wanting to express…?

had an interesting realization – maybe nothing new, but just a sweet reminder, a sweet “hey l’aura, which way do you want to show up here…?”

was out for lunch with mom, sharing about our own stuff – her plans to go for an ayurvedic retreat, our RC work at creativity, my training in kerala next week, my community challenges at joy, etc… basically, in my own world – me and my life and some of her and her life…

as we were packing up, someone approached our table and attempted to make a request to interrupt for a few minutes… not too skilled, and then several long long long minutes of pain… unmet needs…

hmm… what do i do here…? i wasn’t particularly wanting to listen, i “thought” i wasn’t really given a choice, i didn’t really engage nor disengage, i wondered about what mom would/would not do, caught her eyes drifting a few times, the stories and pain got more complex… “oh, she’s just complaining… oh, what does she want from us…? oh, she’s not clear about her request…”

i made a few gestures to stay engaged… “are you just really looking for support…? i guess you feel helpless…?”

i noticed a vague question playing in my mind – “which hat am i wearing…? how am i choosing to show up in this public space, yet on a private lunch date…?” am i just wanting to be invisible, be myself, have a moment with mom and not be sought after, not be interrupted, not be asked anything by others…? or am i open and willing to put aside that “on personal time” hat when and if the moment emerges…? am i willing to take my “empathic, open and authentic” hat out of my pocket…?

i noticed slowly softening… didn’t really want to listen to all the complaining right then and there (would have appreciated more awareness and choice and a clearer request for space/empathy/support/time/advice – but then again, that’s my “on my personal time” hat speaking)… but at the same time, i could connect to the human heart in pain and in need of support and hope… obviously she came knocking at our door… she’s desperate and i guess a tiny part wants to believe there’s a small chance of finding something if she talks to me (even though i’ve said ‘no’ to her plea before)… yes, of course i can listen. of course i can relate. of course she’s just like me… i mean, holy shit, am i not going through similar issues – conflict among community members?! 🙂 i even caught myself having the judgement “girl, you say you offer healing for others – why don’t you heal yourself first?!” wow, ouchy! and what about you, l’aura?! how about you heal yourself too?! mmm, that’s when the real softening came, i think… but not full-blown… not love, not total commitment to compassion, generosity and walking-you-through-the-fire… but willingess – willingness with honesty… i can’t guarantee anything… it’s not fit for RC, not my ideal situation, but willingness to consider…

so, which hat do i want to be wearing…? am i aware i have different hats…? am i able to carry several spare ones in my pocket and pick them out if they’re needed and/or if i have the spaciousness for them…? no have-to, but i’d like to have more awareness of my choices (otherwise i can catch myself bitching about someone’s bitching…!) 🙂

cool!

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